my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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