Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
