I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
pray to the hookup gods
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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