Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
