I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
