Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
