i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
