He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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