It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
