How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
