i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
