You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
