There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
