maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
