Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
