somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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