i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
BRING THE BAGELS
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
