maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
