he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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