I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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