Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
