so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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