dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
