she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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