your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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