I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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