guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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