Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
