I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
