I think im going to throw up on grandma
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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