I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
