you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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