This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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