im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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