ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
