I wanna passion pit in your ass
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
