my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
