I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
