i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
