Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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