capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
