Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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