Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
