if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
