How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
