So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
foreskin is a definite game changer
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
