She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Randomize
