I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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