my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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