He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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