No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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