i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
