if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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